3 Years

11 August. A day that forever will be a day to never forget. To look back, to reflect, and to look forward. 3 years since Angele passed away...

This morning I just wanted to crawl back into bed. Just not be here for the day. Disappear for a bit. I feel a weird mix of pain and grief combined with strength and gratefulness. And I just realized... this last year I went from wanting to crawl back in bed nearly every day, and now I don't even immediately remember the last day I felt like this!

Sure, there are days that I am not feeling it, or where I am tired or feel overwhelmed by life, but it does not feel like it used to feel. Looking back at last year August - that was probably the deepest point I have been at. Everything felt heavy, everything was a struggle, and it was a deep, deep hole I had to crawl out of. And here I am!

With so much to be grateful for.

I have two loving and adorable resilient children who are growing up so fast, a good roof over my head, I am working with nice colleagues, I have friends and family who look out for me and are there for me, a new love in my life, and dreams of a future that I did not dare to dream of before! Such a shift and so great to see. Albeit with pain in my heart as well.

It is sometimes such a conflicting feeling. A few weeks ago we were driving through the mountains in Spain, in a campervan. Something that had been on the wish list for a long time. Beautiful scenery, 3 kids in the back, new love next to me. The wow of the now, and the ouch of the past that did not become this future, all happening at the same time. A tear of joy and a tear of sadness. But it is the now, and the joy, that are the strong ones though.

I think I am slowly giving it all a new place. I've climbed out of the dark and deep hole. There are - as always - a lot of things to work on and improve on yet I am proud of where I am.