All I want for Christmas...

It's a tough time of the year for me. It feels like a tricky balancing act between the excitement of the children, helping them with setting up the Christmas tree, while deep down fighting the urge to go hide in a corner and feel sorry for myself. People asking me about my plans for the holidays, and all I can respond is "yeah, not much...".

As an adult, I think I have always felt quite ambivalent towards Christmas, while for Angele it was one of the highlights of the year. Spending time with family, buying (and receiving) presents, lunches, dinners, outings, the whole show. She was leading it all, and I happily followed along. And now, it is a struggle.

Three. This is the third Christmas without her already. It is often mind-boggling thinking how time passes. Looking back at the pictures we took over the year makes me realize how tiny the kids were. Tobias was 2.5, Jessie nearly 4 years old. Now, she's about to turn 7!

This evening all of a sudden I had a realization though. It is tough, but the way forward for these things is to start building new traditions together. It is "easy" to cling on to the past, feeling sad for what isn't there and won't come back. Instead, I will try and put my energy and efforts next year into creating new traditions with the kids.

And then, while they were doing everything possible to not sleep, all of a sudden they wanted to light a candle. Mama's candle the call it. A candle that has been dragged around the house for years, never been lit before. So there we are, Christmas Eve, lighting a candle in front of a picture of Angele. Jessie holding on to Tobias. Me taking this picture with teary eyes. Jessie saying we all 3 should make a wish before we blow the candle.

All I want for Christmas, is this. Seeing these two wonderful resilient and strong children grow even further. Finding the energy and strength to build our own new traditions. Focus on our future, carve out a path for myself, and giving them the tools to build their own.

2025 has been a year with a lot of stress, grief, pain and new rock bottoms. With massive support from friends and family I think I managed to climb out of the deepest hole though, so it has also been the year of change, and the year where I found work again.

Thank you, for everyone who has helped me in any way. Thank you, for giving me a chance to be able to slowly finding myself again.

Merry Christmas, and a wonderful happy new year to everyone!