2 years

Tired. Exhausted. Broken. Broke. Devastated. Stressed. Lost. Lonely. Sad. Stuck.

Just a little selection of the words that I would be able to use, when people ask me how I am. Yet usually I'd say "mhux ħażin" (not bad, in Maltese). But things are quite "ħażin". Granted, there's lots of positive things as well. But these last few months I have been struggling so bad...

Today it is exactly 2 years since Angele passed away. And I am really struggling in trying to figure out how to shape our lives and our future. Quite often when trying to think of what to make for dinner for the kids, ending up with another batch of smiley potatoes and chicken nuggets, I think "this would not have happened if she'd be around". The same after another tv-filled afternoon, a day spent at home, or me losing my temper in front of the kids. A few weeks ago Tobias cried at me, tears streaming down his cheeks: "but mama never shouted at us!"...

It is an intriguing balance: I feel like a terrible parent at times, yet somehow these kids are quite well behaved, play together so nicely, are caring, kind, bright and so resilient... I tend to be hard on myself but I must be doing something good as well.

One of the main challenges that has put everything under a massive amount of pressure these last months is money, or rather the lack thereof. A year ago I had a plan, and a backup plan. Things did not go according to plan, but to top it all up I got scammed out of everything that I had, and more. For now I will spare you the details, and there's still a chance that eventually somehow I might get (some of) my money back, but it is only thanks to family, friends, and an extremely flexible and understanding landlord that the kids and I are where we are, and are able to put smiley potatoes on the table.

The feeling of stuck-ness, nearly paralyzed, is the one that I feel is hardest to break through, but also the most important. The time has come to find a job after 3 years of unemployment, to sell and get rid of my old car, the car seats, strollers, baby clothes, tools I no longer use or need. That is why in the last weeks I spent a lot of time in our old apartment to clean it up, trying to sort through our lives. My old stuff, Angele's old stuff. It is the place where everything happened. But now all that is left are broken toys and broken dreams.

Writing this all down makes me even more emotional. And there is so much more to say, so many more layers of everything to work through. I want to emphasize though it's not all doom and gloom. There's a lot of beautiful moments too. Having fun with the kids, seeing them grow and discover life in new ways every day. Dance shows before bed, measuring themselves against the sunflowers during the day. Jessie learning to swim, Tobias jumping in after her without any fear. Tobias helping me in the garden, Jessie helping me to cook.

Somehow I thought I already had hit rock bottom before. Apparently there's more to learn for me in an even deeper hole. But today is the first day of the rest of my life, of our lives. Time to start and get myself out of the paralysis, start moving. It is what Angele would have wanted, it's what I want for the kids and what I want, for myself.