I found this quote today: "Time flies faster every year. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, whether you're living your life big or small, whether you surround yourself with fear or laughter." (Claire Cook)
And it is true. Time does fly by. I have been taking care of Angele now for 2 months at home. 3 months ago to the day was the last day she went for a walk by herself. 1 year ago we were about to get ready to go to London together.
And now, we were supposed to go to Vienna together. But that is not going to happen... At least, not together.
Because I will go alone. Leaving Angele and the children at home, in the capable hands of her sister Antoinette, supported by additional professional help, family and friends. For one week. One week of intense meditations, diving deep into my own fears and beliefs and coming back as a stronger husband and father. One week of surrendering and letting go on many, many levels. One week of believing Angele will stay as strong as she is right now.
This decision has been met with various responses. Positive, negative, encouraging. With comments based on love, fear, admiration, disbelief. And a mix of all of the above into a bag of confusing emotions for me. The what-ifs, the buts, the whys, everything has crossed my mind. Deep down I want to drag Angele along with me but that is simply not feasible. I would have wanted her to go if the situation would have been the other way around. And when I tried asking her she seemed to understand and told me it is ok to go. But still, this is a really tough decision and when I will be actually boarding the plane on Sunday it will be even tougher.
I have to do this though. For me, for Angele, and for our children.
Angele in the meantime is still barely eating and having a hard time with swallowing. But the last 2 weeks she has been quite stable, and if anything she improved a bit with regards to her alertness and awareness of what is happening around her. Sharing a laugh with visitors if they catch her at the right moment. Trying to talk a bit more than just a yes, no or ok. But that takes a lot of energy, and at times she needs several minutes in order to form a sentence.
Last Tuesday she was having a laugh by herself. The children were playing and running around just before going to school. Happy cheerful sounds coming from the living room. I had the bed up in sitting position and she was clearly hearing what they were saying. "See you later alligator!" She was laughing one of her adorable laughs, enjoying these little moments.
Last Friday I climbed into her bed to talk a bit. That's when this photo was taken. This is when I just told her again that I couldn't take her with me and that I'd have to go to Vienna alone. And just after she told me how much she loves me (trying to spread her hands as wide as she physically could). I'm doing this for me, and for her, and out of love for life.
So the next few days I am preparing the last bits to make sure everything here goes as smooth as possible, so I can focus on myself for a week. I will try to keep everyone posted but it might be a while.
See you later alligator!