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  • Writer's pictureCasper de Leuw

A tough day

This week was a tough week. Today is a tough day.

Exactly one year ago I had to drag Angele to hospital. She had been in enormous amounts of pain, and was out of herself. The day before she just had a radio therapy session which made all the pains even worse. But the trigger to carry her up the stairs and into our car, were the seizures. She really didn't want to go to hospital, and tried to resist. But she was too weak, and in between 2 seizures I sort of dressed her up, threw some random things in a bag, and off we went. Her brain tumors were getting the best of her and I was really not in control anymore.

I acted as the ambulance myself, since I figured that waiting for an ambulance would take too long. My car still has a few scratches from those lovely red bollards along the Mgarr bypass.

It is the day that marked the end. Or the beginning. Or I don't know, but it was a turning point. She never got back to her old self, and although she really tried, I never got to have real conversations with her anymore.

What followed were the 3 most intense months of our life.

During those months she was so strong, positive and thankful for everyone that came to help. And so am I! Family, friends, nurses and hospice staff, random strangers. So much help and so much love was given! But damn, it was tough...

And now, 9 months after she passed away, 1 year after this mad dash to hospital, life still is tough at times. In a completely different way though.

It is the memories, which at times are lovely, and at other times painful. It is the little moments that become so big. Putting 2 kids to bed on Mother's day eve, while we're all crying our hearts out because we miss her. Trying to answer a 5-year old who, rightfully so, asks why her mommy got so sick and had to die.

It is the loneliness, especially at these moments when I see something nice, funny, or the kids doing something, and I want to take a picture to show her. Realizing that that's not gonna work. Taking the picture anyway. That used to be one of "our things"...

Not being able to share joy, success, failures, pain, fun. Not being able to discuss what steps to take, what decisions to make. That is I think the hardest for me right now. Yet live moves on, and we're trying to make the best out of it.

So that's what we're doing. Trying to make the best out of it. With ups and downs, mishaps and successes. Knowing that this wonderful wife of mine, this amazing mother of my kids, is cheering us up from above and steering us onto the right path every now and then.

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