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  • Writer's pictureCasper de Leuw

6 months

Today it is exactly 6 months ago that Angele passed away. 6 months of life without her. 6 months behind us, and a lifetime ahead...

It's just a date. My analytical mind is telling me that, what does it even mean. We just give significance to dates and use it to cling to the past. But this week is filled with dates with significance and it is hard to not feel it. And it is hard, feeling it.

Yesterday, 10 February, the day my mom would have turned 75 if she still would be alive.

Today, the day my dad turned 76. Seeing him struggle with his own health issues is again a stark reminder of the fragility of life.

Coming week, a year ago. Carnival in Malta, running around Valletta with Angele, the kids, and friends from abroad. She was strong, invincible, enjoying life!

And coming Valentine's day. Our anniversary, with us last year sharing the best tiramisu we both ever had.

And here I am. Overwhelmed, stressed at times, working hard to keep it all together. Breaking down every now and then, trying to grab the pieces together and building it up again.

It makes the small things feel big, and the big things feel massive.

Unneeded stress around school, financial stress due to unnecessary bureaucratic delays, a house that needs so much work. Decisions to be made about the future.

And in all of this, the kids are so happy and content. Of course they have their moments, and it takes a lot from me to keep it together when they break down, but just seeing them play, be happy, be in the moment is wonderful. They're growing up so fast, it is incredible.

The things that make all of this bearable and manageable are also the ones that seem the hardest. Meditation, breathing exercises and ice baths. It is hard to describe, even harder to commit to, but it gives me such a shift in my mental state.

Last week a friend of mine forwarded this picture to me. The intention of her was for me to join the meditation that was shared in the message from a group we're both in. I did not even read the message but was just in awe by the image. To me, it looks like Angele. Stepping into a distant beautiful world. Still connected to us. And she is alright, and all is ok. And seeing that, feeling that, I know that I will be ok as well. It might take some time, and some ups and downs for sure, but we will be alright.

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