Last week I was at the beach. It was windy, rainy, and I was sitting in a semi-sheltered area getting ready for a meditation before an ice bath with 17 others. As an introduction, everybody randomly picked a piece of paper with a question to answer. When it was my turn, the question was "What made you the happiest this year?"
And that was a tough question. Happy? After this year? After everything that happened and what I am going through right now? The answer came quite quickly though. It was hard to express between the overflowing emotions. But what made me the happiest is that I could take care of Angele the way I did. It was extremely tough, rough, painful, exhausting, and every other emotion that you can think of. But the fact that I could and did, is what makes me happy and proud.
The last few weeks I can't say I was happy. I am living in my little bubble with as little social interaction as possible, and the main focus was to keep everything going for Jessie and Tobias. They're doing great, having the time of their life jumping in muddy puddles almost every day, playing peacefully together, sometimes fighting like siblings do, but all in all quite good.
For me, everything I do seems to be bringing up some form of flashback these last few weeks. I am just going through it, letting it pass and trying to feel the emotions. Flashbacks on things we used to do together. Flashbacks of me driving like a maniac in another rush to hospital. Appointments in hospital. Walking meditations. Sushi. Having a coffee together. Traveling.
Talking about traveling, in a few hours it will be the first time that I am taking the children on a trip abroad without Angele. We're going to the Netherlands and they are super excited to be going on a plane. And for me there will be many more flashbacks, linked to the places and the people there. But it will also be a time to make new memories in this new configuration. With my family, friends and the places we'll be.
I hope this trip will help me break a bit out of my bubble. Help me find back my strength, my drive and my energy.
Writing all of this down is as always hard but every time it helps me with new insights. So thank you, for seeing this, seeing me, and being there for us. And I hope you all have a Merry Christmas with your loved ones, either next to you or in your hearts.