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  • Writer's pictureCasper de Leuw

One month

A month has gone by already since Angele passed away. Time is a weird concept. A good moment to reflect a bit, and to look ahead.

Over the course of the last few weeks a lot of people have asked me how I feel, how things are, how the kids are and how we are coping with it all. First of all, I am still feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people on the street, at school, at the wedding we attended, on Facebook, WhatsApp, email, at the graduation ceremony we just went to - basically everywhere - that tell me how inspiring it all has been, and how beautiful the celebration for Angele was. How special it is to do things the way we did them. This is beautiful and intriguing at the same time and it gives me strength, and makes me realize that what I did and how we did it was the right thing and right way to do it.

I feel calm, good, in a way happy, with a curious mind wandering and wondering about what the future will bring. There are moments of sadness, moments where I miss Angele's input and presence, some moments of anger and frustration. But overall things are good. It is hard to explain this when asked, so I try to "hide" behind another beautiful truth: the kids are happy, so I am happy.

And the kids are happy! Last Friday we attended the wedding of Samantha (a cousin of Angele) and Edward. The children sat (relatively) quiet in church for a good 90 minutes, and then danced and danced and danced. Tobias was trying to steal Ira Losco's heart by giving her these little heart-shaped confetti's during her performance.

And last week when my sister was still here they had a lot of fun at the beach. But even playing at their apartment running around with a sheet over your head pretending to be a ghost is the most fun you can ever have! So many anecdotes with so many different people, so many things we and they've been doing.

But they have their little moments too. Tobias does not really communicate them to me but he comes to me being a bit more cuddly at times. And about a week ago I found Jessie sitting at the table, head on her hands staring at the picture of Angele that we have there. She looked at me and said "we miss mommy", and then she got up and continued playing...

This evening we had the childcare graduation ceremony for Tobias. At exactly the same location as where we held the celebration for Angele two weeks ago. For a few moments it felt surreal, but when I saw all these little kids running around, and the bouncy castle and everything, it felt good. Poor Benny Bunny nearly fainted in the heat but other than that it was wonderful. There were these little moments that I could zone out, look at the sunset, and feel Angele's presence. Coming back to the car there was a little surprise with a flat tire, but Antoinette and the tow truck came to the rescue. One to take the kids and put them to bed, the other to exchange my car at the airport.

And now I have a few more days left to prepare and get ready. Another meditation retreat is coming up, now for a total of 2 weeks in the United States. Antoinette will be staying with the kids again - you're a hero for doing that Antoinette! And I will take these two weeks to dive deeper into myself, into my emotions, to connect to this new future that awaits me. To try and figure out how I can keep inspiring people in ways I could not imagine before.

And when I'm back it is about time for the children to start their new adventure. Instead of "regular" Kinder 1 and 2 they'll be playing outside for the full year. Learning by playing, connecting with nature, just nextdoor to us. Yesterday and today I already spent a few hours helping out with clearing the area and building a new veranda and we are really looking forward to this!

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