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  • Writer's pictureCasper de Leuw

Is this the beginning of the end?

Something has shifted. Things are changing. And not in the direction I wanted them to go.

In the last 2 weeks Angele went from eating a massive burger to barely being able to swallow her pills. From sitting in her wheelchair to hardly waking up. From properly responding to her environment to most of the time being unable to answer even a yes or no question.

I've been dreading the moment that I actually have to write this down. But there's no subtle way to get this message across: this might be the beginning of the end. It does not mean that I am giving up hope, and I am still showering her with love and care (and the occasional shouting of "come on, open your mouth!" to try and get her take her pills), but I can't deny the fact that her body slowly seems to be giving up. If she mentally is giving up I don't know, and I can't say that for sure now. It's hard to share this message with all of you but I have been extremely forthcoming and transparent so far, and I will continue doing that. I owe it to all of you. I owe it to Angele. To share the good, the bad, the ugly. With a focus and emphasis on the good though.

I think I have accepted both potential outcomes, and am trying to surrender to the idea that my "wiggle room" where I can try to push and pull is getting smaller and smaller by the day.

I'll leave it at this for now. What's next? I honestly don't know. Is this phase the beginning of the end, and if so, are we talking about days, weeks or months? Years or decades? Nobody knows.

A last thought though. In our daily busy lives where everything seems to happen so fast and so many things happening to be angry, annoyed, sad, unhappy, frustrated or disappointed about I think it is important to focus on the opposites. What are you grateful for? What makes you happy and proud? Those are the things that actually count. Even in the darkest of times, remember: there's only darkness because there is light.

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