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  • Writer's pictureCasper de Leuw

Face it all alone

This is what 17 grams of Angele's ashes look like. You have to look closely, since it blends in quite well with the white sandy beach of Marco Island, covered in shells next to the water edge. The shell next to the feet of Bouncer (the penguin) I found just one meter away from this spot.

I took this picture the day after finishing 2 weeks of meditation in Marco Island. Here at this beach we did a total of 7 organized walking meditations, and I threw in another 2 by myself. Two really intense weeks, giving me new insights, new connections, new friends, and a whole bunch of emotions to deal with. In a way I still need to process some of the things that happened there, but I somehow feel as if a new phase has begun as well.

This new phase is best described as "Being a single dad in a foreign country". There's knowing it, and then there's being and feeling it. I knew, but only started really feeling this after coming back last week. And to be honest it wasn't easy, and in a way it probably never will be "easy". Sunday I realized though that I "just" need to approach this the same way Angele and I have been talking about before. With any given situation where the circumstances are a given (being stuck in traffic; not having your luggage after a long flight; being a single dad - to name a few examples) the only thing you can change is your mental approach to it. Put on a nice song; go buy a nice hat (and some underwear); make the best out of it! And yes, I always put on a nice song, and yes, when I arrived in the US without my luggage I bought a super nice hat, and yes, I am trying to make the best out of it. Deep breath in, deep breath out, and the three of us will be fine!

One thing that definitely helps is that there is a whole bunch of support and help around, and there are so many people that are ready to jump in whenever and wherever it is needed. But still, one of the songs that I've been listening to a lot is a rediscovered Queen song - "Face it alone". I'll link it below. One part of the lyrics does not apply: the moon did not lose its glow. But I do have to face this all alone. I will do so like a sunflower though. Standing up straight, facing the light, and spreading smiles, love and positivity.

Somehow this post has been one of the harder ones to write. There is so much more to write about, to think about, to still process. To explain, to let be as it is. There are so many messages that I did not respond to yet. So many people to thank. I will not rush this though, it will come when it comes.

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