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  • Writer's pictureAngele Muscat

2022 has been the worst and the best year of my life!

Updated: Dec 28, 2022

2022 the year which started with a diagnosis

Which then was followed by a prognosis

The sky was heavy, and the mood was gloomy

My body deteriorated fast, and I lost all my autonomy

Cancer took over my body, I could not eat, sit, or walk

No energy was left in me to be able to talk

Rational decisions were made

But I quickly started to fade

I needed people to wash me, feed me and to lift me to the commode

I felt a lot of shame but none of it was showed

I wore diapers to provide relief to my carers

As this meant less work for my bearers

As a mother, my heart was broken everyday

As my children had to stay away

For my protection the doctor said

But it got me closer to being dead

Children suffered with separation

But we could give no explanation

You need to live for your children they said

However, time with me they started to dread

With treatment I lost all my hair

Ended up with a hairstyle I would never dare

At the end of the day, it made me feel appreciation

While also giving me a sense of liberation

But the pain was unbearable, I screamed, and I cried

My parents helplessly stood by my side

Hope was lost and the will to live was fading

Fever spiked and for the ambulance we were waiting

My family all came to say their goodbyes

I felt weak, could barely open my eyes

Positive and encouraging words they brought

While visibly distraught

I could not help but think the end was near

As I was loaded in the ambulance, I could feel fear

Is this the last time I see the people I adore?

I felt I cannot hold on for much more.

I heard the doctor say my heart may stop

And the fever would not drop

All levels were out of range

I needed to make a change

A will to live ignited inside of me

With the words of the doctor, I could not agree

I felt like I had a fire raging in my heart

How will I make sure my circumstances do not make me fall apart?

I knew I had to open my heart and quiet the mind

And for this, meditation was the tool I managed to find

I became a different person

But this gave me no guarantee, things will not worsen

I meditated endlessly each day

But my symptoms could not be kept at bay

I worked hard to focus on the positive in my life

However, the words of the doctors cut like a knife

In hindsight, the cancer has been a blessing

It showed me the things that I needed to be addressing

Stress, guilt, anxiety, fear and frustration

Were the emotions keeping me in a low vibration

I learnt that I needed to focus on the positive

This was my prerogative

I learnt to believe in a different future for myself

Different from what is outlined in the books on the doctor’s shelf

I now know that giving is as beautiful as receiving

That it is ok to let go and be forgiving

It is also okay to ask for help when you are in need

I learnt to overcome my ego as that was the only way I could be freed

I now can appreciate small things and big things in life

Being able to stand, sit, walk, and run makes me feel rife

I needed to be physically stopped so that I can smell the flowers

It was not easy, and I needed to meditate for hours

I learnt that this journey is not linear

There are a lot of things we need to bear

But if we truly believe and surrender to a different possibility

We will be positively surprised by our inner ability

My husband lost his job for being dedicated to his family

We did not stress, cry or worry about our bleak financial calamity

As we knew that this is irrelevant in the bigger picture

We believed that the universe is working towards a better future

As I focus on positivity, I understand that I do not have guarantees

I do not know whether I will overcome my disease

I may live for less than another year as predicted by the medics

Or I could live for longer and beat the statistics

I will for sure dedicate the rest of my life however long it is

To inspire others with the story of my diagnosis

I want to help others by sharing my experience, struggle and teaching

In the hope that you find something that is enriching

2022 has been the worst year

As my old self had to disappear

2022 has been my best year

As my renewed self, had to appear

Looking forward to the new year

With a lot of enthusiasm and cheer

Whatever it may bring, I hope to always remember I am in control

Of my thoughts and my emotions while giving grace to my beautiful soul

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